With No Borders
need the FREE QuickTime
plug-in to view this A/V DSL
Jeffries in "The Surf NBA100
. . Look Bill, I realize the
lighting in the Studio is to much
. . . But the boss says your
sunglasses have to go . . .
Magazine "WebSide Humor"
----V ". . . IN an unrelated story . .
. Dan Rather was once again attacked by
unknown assailants outside CBS
headquarters . . . one of them was heard
yelling -- "What's the website, Kenneth?!"
Mary / NBS100.com Webcast, Long Beach
Preserve The Moments"
FOR THE NEW
- MORMONS AND
Catholic priest and a Mormon bishop
found themselves sitting next
other on an airplane.
a while, the priest turns to the bishop
and asks, Is it still a
of your faith that you are not to drink
Mormon bishop responds, Yes that is
still one of our beliefs.
Catholic priest then asks, Have you
ever had a cup of coffee?
says the Mormon bishop, I have to
admit-on one occasion I did
temptation and tried a cup of
Catholic priest nods in understanding
and goes on with his
while later, the Mormon bishop speaks
up and asks, Father, is it still a
your church that you remain
it's still one of our vows.
Mormon bishop then asks,
have you ever fallen to the temptations
of the flesh?
Catholic priest replied,
Bishop, on one occasion, I was weak and
broke my vow.
Mormon bishop nodded understandingly
for a moment.
few minutes later he smiled, looked at
the Catholic priest and then
lot better than coffee, isn't
was mealtime during our trip on a small
airline in the Northwest.
you like dinner?"
flight attendant asked the man seated
in front of me.
are my choices?" he asked.
or no," she replied.
sky was dark
moon was high
alone just she and I.
hair was soft
eyes were blue
knew just what she wanted to
skin so soft
legs so fine
ran my fingers down her
didn't know how
I tried my best
started by placing my hands on her
remember my fear my fast beating
slowly she spread her legs
when I did it I felt no
at once the white stuff
last it's finished it's all over
first time ever at milking a
a redneck if...
have more fingers than you do
cut your grass and find a
consider Denny's a Fancy
best Suit contains more than 5
age is higher than your
favorite pickup line is "Does this look
infected to you?"
ask your wife wheather the spot on your
neck is a boil or a mole
she replies "Its a gummy
have a family reunion and everyone in
town shows up.
say "Watch this" everytime before you
go to the hospital.
wife and ex-wife are
general store owner hires a young
female clerk who likes to
skirts and thong panties.
day a young man enters the store,
glances at the clerk and
the loaves of bread behind the
the length of her skirt [or general
lack thereof and the
the raisin bread], he has a
like some raisin bread please", the man
female clerk nods and climbs up a
ladder to reach the raisin
is located on the very top
young man standing almost directly
beneath her is provided
excellent view, just as he surmised he
she descends the ladder he muses that
he really should get two
he's having company for
she retrieves the second loaf of bread,
one of the other male
what's going on.
quickly, he requests his own loaf of
raisin bread so he can continue
each trip up the ladder the young lady
seems to catch the eye of
soon each male patron is asking for
raisin bread, just to see
up and down.
many trips she's tired, irritated and
thinking that she is really going
to try this bread for
once again atop the ladder, she stops
and fumes, glaring at the
notices an elderly man standing amongst
the crowd staring up at
to save herself a trip, she yells at
the elderly man,
yours raisin too?"
croaks the old man, "but it's starting
92 year-old man went to the doctor to
get a physical.
few days later the doctor saw the man
walking down the street
gorgeous young lady on his
his follow up visit the doctor talked
to the man and said,
really doing great, aren't
man replied, "Just doing what you said
a hot mamma and be
Doctor said, "I didn't say
said you got a heart murmur. Be
dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer
Customer Support; may I help
well, I'm having trouble with
sort of trouble?"
I was just typing along, and all of a
sudden the words went
So what does your screen look like
blank; it won't accept anything when I
you still in WordPerfect, or did you
do I tell?"
you see the C:\\ prompt on the
mind. Can you move the cursor around on
isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't
accept anything I type."
your monitor have a power
the thing with the screen on it that
looks like a TV.
it have a little light that tells you
when it's on?"
then look on the back of the monitor
and find where the power
into it. Can you see that?"
I think so."
Follow the cord to the plug, and tell
me if it's plugged into the
you were behind the monitor, did you
notice that there were two
into the back of it, not just
there are. I need you to look back
there again and find the other
here it is."
it for me, and tell me if it's plugged
securely into the back of your
huh. Well, can you see if it
if you maybe put your knee on something
and lean way over?"
it's not because I don't have the right
angle-it's because it's
office light is off, and the only light
I have is coming in from the
turn on the office light
there's a power outage."
power... A power outage? Aha! Okay,
we've got it licked now.
you still have the boxes and manuals
and packing stuff your computer came
yes, I keep them in the
Go get them, and unplug your system and
pack it up just like it was
you got it.
take it back to the store you bought it
Is it that bad?"
I'm afraid it is."
all right then, I suppose. What do I
them you're too stupid to own a
preacher was telling his congregation
that anything they could think
or new, was discussed somewhere in the
Bible and that the entirety
the human experience could be found
the service, he was approached by a
woman who said,
I don't believe the Bible mentions
preacher replied that he was sure it
must be there somewhere
that he would look for it.
following week after the service, the
preacher called the woman
showed her a passage which
Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to
rabbit one day managed to break free
from a laboratory where he had been
he scurried away from the fencing of
the compound, he felt grass
little feet and saw the dawn breaking
for the first time in his
This is great,' he thought.
wasn't long before he came to a hedge
and, after squeezing under
saw a wonderful sight:
if other bunny rabbits - all free and
nibbling at the lush green
he called out. 'I'm a rabbit from the
laboratory over there and
you wild rabbits?'
Come and join us, ' they all cried
friend hopped over to them and started
eating the grass.
tasted so good.
else do you do wild rabbits do?' he
one of them said, 'you see that field
got carrots growing in it. We dig them
up and eat them.'
he couldn't resist and he spent the
next hour gorging on the most
he had ever tasted.
are wonderful' he told his new
later, he asked them again: 'What else
do you do?'
see that field there in the
got lettuce growing in it. We eat them
lettuce tasted just as good and he
returned some hours later,
full of lettuce.
there anything else you guys do?' he
of the other rabbits came close to him
and spoke softly:
is one other thing you must
to a bunch of rabbits in the far corner
of the field,
said 'They're girl rabbits.
screw them. Go and try it.'
our friend spent the rest of the
afternoon screwing his little heart
completely exhausted, he staggered back
to his male friends.
was fantastic,' he panted.
are you going to live with us then?'
one of the asked.
sorry. I had a great time. Believe me,
but I can't'.
wild rabbits all stared at him in
We thought you liked it
do,' our friend replied. 'But I must
get back to the
dying for a cigarette.'
young Jewish man excitedly tells his
mother he's fallen in love and
says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to
bring over 3 women and you try and
one I'm going to marry."
next day, he brings 3 beautiful women
into the house and sits them
the couch and they chat for a
then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one
I'm going to marry."
immediately replies, "The red-head in
amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you
'She's the only one I don't
friends, a blonde and a redhead, are
walking down the street.
pass a flower shop where the redhead
happens to see her
sighs and says,
crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers
again....for no reason."
blonde looks quizzically at her and
the big deal, don't you like getting
red head says,
sure.....but he always has expectations
after giving me flowers,
just don't feel like spending the next
three days on my back
my legs in the air."
blonde says "Don't you have a
salesman knocks on the farmer's door,
and when he gets no answer,
walks around to the back of the
the farmer with a cow's tail lifted up,
planting a huge wet kiss
the cow's asshole.
salesman says, "Man, are you queer or
I've got chapped lips, and it keeps me
from lickin' em."
Jane met Tarzan, she was attracted to
him, and during her
his life, she asked him how he had
not know sex," he replied.
explained to him what sex
said, "Oh, sex...
use hole in trunk of that big
you have it all wrong,...but I will
show you how to do it
took off her clothes and lay down on
she said, "you must put it in
removed his loincloth, stepped closer,
her a kick right in the
rolled around in agony for what seemed
like an eternity.
she managed to gasp for air and
did you do that for?"
always check for squirrel."
old ladies were outside their nursing
home, having a smoke,
it started to rain.
of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut
off the end,
it over her cigarette, and continued
1: What's that?
2: A condom. This way my cigarette
doesn't get wet.
1: Where did you get it?
2: You can get them at any
next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into
the local drugstore and
the pharmacist that she wants a box of
guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at
her kind of strangely she is, after
80 years of age, but very delicately
asks what brand she
1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it
fits a Camel.
age 4 success is not peeing in your
age 12 success is having
age 16 success is having a drivers
age 20 success is having
age 35 success is having
age 50 success is having
age 60 success is having
age 70 success is having a drivers
age 75 success is having
age 80 success is not peeing in your
Texan buys a round of drinks for all in
the bar, because,
announces, his wife has just produced
"a typical Texas" baby boy
showered him from all around, as well
as many exclamations
a "WOW!" from the crowd.
women faint due to sympathy pains from
just imagining the size
such an infant.
weeks later, he returns to the
you're the father of the typical Texas
baby that weighed 25 pounds
birth, how much does he weigh
The proud father answers, "Seventeen
the bartender says,
what happened? He already weighed 25
pounds at birth."
Texas father takes a slow swig from his
long-neck Lone Star beer,
his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans
into the bartender and proudly
NEVER ENDING STRUGGLE
God Created Man and Woman.
then God populated the earth with
broccoli and cauliflower and
and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so
Man and Woman would live
and healthy lives.
Satan created McDonald's.
McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent
Satan said to Man, "You want fries with
Man said, "Super size them." And Man
gained many pounds.
God created the healthful yogurt, that
woman might keep her figure
man found so fair.
Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought
forth chocolate, nuts and
colored sprinkle candy to put on the
woman gained many pounds.
God said, "Try my crispy fresh
Satan brought forth creamy dressings,
bacon bits, and shredded
there was ice cream for
woman gained more pounds.
God said, "I have sent you heart
olive oil with which to cook
Satan brought forth huge portions of
Man gained more pounds,
his bad cholesterol went through the
God brought forth running
Man resolved to lose those extra
Satan brought forth cable TV with
Man would not have to toil to change
Man gained even more
God brought forth the potato, a
vegetable naturally low in
brimming with nutrition.
Satan peeled off the healthful skin and
sliced the starchy center
fries and chips and deep-fat fried
he also created sour cream
Man clutched his remote control and ate
the potato chips and fries
with fat and cholesterol.
Satan saw and said, "It is
Man went into cardiac
God sighed and created quadruple bypass
Satan laughed and created
guy is walking along the strip in Las
Vegas and he see's a knockout looking
strikes up a conversation and
eventually asks the hooker,
much do you charge?"
replies, "It starts at $500 for a
says, "$500 dollars! For a
hand-job is worth that kind of
hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's
on the corner?"
you see the Denny's about a block
beyond that, do you see that third
says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I
I own them because I give a hand-job
that's worth $500."
guy says, "What the hell? You only live
once. I'll give it a try."
retire to a nearby motel.
short time later, the guy is sitting on
the bed realizing that he just
hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit
is so amazed, he says, "I suppose head
is $1,000?" The hooker replies,
My God! No head could be worth
hooker replies, "Step over here to the
window, big boy.
you see that casino just across the
street? I own that casino
I own it because I give head that's
worth every cent of
guy, basking in the afterglow of that
to put off the new car for another year
or so, and says, "Sign me
minutes later, he is sitting on the bed
more amazed than before.
can scarcely believe it but he feels he
truly got his money's
decides to dip into the retirement
savings for one glorious and
asks the hooker, "How much for some
hooker says, "Come over here to the
window, I want to show you
you see how the whole city of Las Vegas
is laid out before us,
those beautiful lights, gambling
palaces, and showplaces?"
the guy says, in awe, "You own the
the hooker replies, "but I would if I
had a vagina."
elderly couple had been dating for some
time and decided it was
the wedding, they had a long
conversation regarding how their
discussed finances, living arrangements
and so on.
the old man decided it was time to
broach the subject of their
do you feel about sex?" he asked,
I'd have to say I like it
old guy paused... then he
that one word or two?"
guy goes to the opticians.
Doctor tells him, 'You've got to stop
Doc,' he asked, 'am I going
the Doctor explained,
you're upsetting the other patients in
the waiting room!'
women are sitting naked in the
there is a beeping sound.
first lady presses her forearm and the
others look at her curiously. "That's
my pager," she says,
have a microchip under the skin of my
few minutes later a phone
second woman lifts her palm to her
she finishes she explains,
my mobile phone.. I have a microchip in
third woman, feeling decidedly
low-tech, steps out of the
a few minutes she returns with a piece
of toilet paper hanging from her
others raise their
excuse me she says, I'm getting a
was drinking all night at the
bartender finally tells him its closing
time, so Sam stands up to go
flat on his face.
tries to stand up again but with the
he thinks to himself that he'll crawl
outside and get some fresh
maybe that will sober him up a
outside, he stands up and again falls
flat on his face.
he thinks, 'It's Very Late' and starts
he gets to his front door he tries once
again to stand up,
to open the door but promptly falls
straight back down on the
crawls in and quietly crawls up the
stairs where he manages to pull himself
crawls in and falls asleep as soon as
his head hits the pillow.
wakes up the next morning with his wife
standing above him shouting at
you've been out getting drunk again,
he hadn't disturbed her coming in the
puts on an innocent face and
makes you say that, love?'
the pub called.
left your wheelchair there
Joseph went up to Father Fred one
afternoon and said,
am sick of all this clean
let's you and me go out and
carouse, drink, whatever we
you crazy? This is a small town and
everyone knows us.
even if they didn't, they would see our
clothes and know
said "Don't be silly. We won't stay in
town, we'll go into the
nobody knows us, and we'll dress just
like anyone else."
the end, he managed to persuade Fred,
and they went out that
partied like professionals.
they got back home at 5:00 AM, Fred's
face became pale.
just thought of something," he said.
"We have to confess this."
Joe was ready. "Relax, I told you, I
thought this all out in
you go into church and into the
will come in my regular clothes and
confess, and you absolve
I go put on my garments, you come in
and confess, and I'll absolve
was amazed at Joe's
so, Joseph went in later that morning
and said, "Father forgive me, for
sinned. My friend and I, we're both
young men, and last night we went
caroused. We became drunk, had carnal
knowledge of prostitutes,
foul language, danced to wicked
answered, "God is patient and
forgiving, and thus shall I
5 'Our Father's' and 5 'Hail Mary's'
and you will be absolved of your
while later, their places were reversed
as Fred came in and confessed
was a short pause, and Joseph
don't believe this. And you DARE to
call yourself a priest?
will do 500 "Our Father's," 500 "Hail
all your money for the next month to
go around the church 500 times on your
knees praying for God's
come back and we'll discuss absolution,
but I make no guarantees."
Father Fred was shocked. "What about
replied, "Hey, what I do on my time off
is one thing, but I take my job
old men were sitting in a bar,
discussing their wives.
first said, "Last night, I asked Myrna
if we could try sex in a different
wanted to try doing it doggy
style? Did she go for it?"
say. I sat up and begged while she
rolled over and played
Added on 7/7/2002
National Transportation Safety Board
recently divulged that they
the past five years covertly funded a
project with US auto makers
auto makers installed black boxes in
four wheel drive pickup trucks in an
determine, in fatal accidents, the
circumstances in the last 15 seconds
before the crash.
were surprised to find in 42 of the 50
states that the last words of
61.2 percent of fatal crashes were,
the states of West Virginia, Georgia,
Oklahoma and Tennessee were
92.3 percent of their final words
my beer and watch this."
Added on 7/6/2002
little girl was talking to her teacher
teacher said it was physically
impossible for a whale to swallow a
even though a whale is a very large
mammal, its throat is very
little girl stated that a whale
teacher reiterated that a whale could
not swallow a human, it was
little girl said, "When I get to heaven
I will ask Jonah".
teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to
little girl replied, "Then you ask
Added on 7/5/2002
gay man was driving his sports car
around the corner, when an
out of the alley and directly in front
of his way.
sports car plows into the truck and
totally demolishes the front end of the
gay man jumps out of the car, comes
tearing around the side of the
the truck driver is, and
did that on purpose! You just pulled
right out in front of me!"
truck driver says, "Suck my
his hands, "Don't try to sweet talk me
out of it!!!
said this husband to his wife, "I
invited a friend home for
Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I
haven't been shopping,
the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel
like cooking a fancy meal!"
know all that."
why did you invite a friend for
the poor fool's thinking about getting
huge muscular man walks into a bar and
orders a beer.
bartender can't help but stare at the
guy because in contrast to his
the man has a head that is the size of
bartender hands him the beer and
know, I'm not gay but I want to
compliment you on your
I have a question why is your head so
big guy nods slowly.
obviously fielded this question many
day', he begins, 'I was hunting and got
lost in the woods.
heard someone crying for
followed the cries and they led me to a
frog that was sitting next to a
says the bartender, thoroughly
me, kiss me and I will turn into a
genie and grant you 3
looked around to see if I was alone and
gave the frog a kiss.
The frog turned into a beautiful
voluptuous naked woman
said, 'You now have 3 wishes.'
looked around at my scrawny 115 pound
body and said,
- ' I
want a body like Arnold
nodded and snapped her fingers, and
POOF there I was so big
ripped out of my clothes and was
standing there naked!,
then asked 'What is your second
looked hungrily at her beautiful body
- ' I
want to make sensuous love with you by
nodded, laid down and beckoned
made love right there by the stream for
as we lay next to each other, she
whispered in my ear,'
know you have one more wish, what will
looked at her and replied
about a little head?'
of a listless sex life, the man came
right out and asked
wife during a recent lovemaking
come you never tell me when you are
glanced at him casually and
What does a lawyer and an apple have in
They both look nice hanging from a
Click To Send
By Larry Leverett & Donna Jeffries
Entertainment/Editor TVI Magazine
TVI Magazine, tvinews.net,
Associated press, Reuters, BBC, LA Times and NY Times
New Way To Advertise - Our 24-hour, 365
smart90 number -can be your portal to the web to introduce
your movies to the world -- on
Now - Send
your insertion orders and advertising
copy or requests to the attention of Bernie Schwartz,
Advertising Sales Director, at
slides, transparencies, illustrations, photographs, or other
computer graphic art and/or complete separations, can be
E-mailed to our art department, if you wish. Any items
mailed will be returned or forwarded. Advertising material
must be received by the 10th of every other month to be
included in the following issue.