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Cartoon
By Rasandich's
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Television
With No Borders
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(You
need the FREE QuickTime
plug-in to view this A/V DSL
clip,)
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".
. . Look Bill, I realize the
lighting in the Studio is to much
. . . But the boss says your
sunglasses have to go . . .
!"
|
See Donna
Jeffries in "The Surf NBA100
Webcast"
|
TVI
Magazine "WebSide Humor"
Cartoons
Dan Rosandich
(Photo
Caption)
----V ". . . IN an unrelated story . .
. Dan Rather was once again attacked by
unknown assailants outside CBS
headquarters . . . one of them was heard
yelling -- "What's the website, Kenneth?!"
(Photo
Caption)
----V Queen
Mary / NBS100.com Webcast, Long Beach
Harbor
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"We
Preserve The Moments"
|
- JOKES
FOR THE NEW
YEAR
-
- MORMONS AND
CATHOLICS
- A
Catholic priest and a Mormon bishop
found themselves sitting next
to
- each
other on an airplane.
- After
a while, the priest turns to the bishop
and asks, Is it still a
- requirement
of your faith that you are not to drink
coffee?
- The
Mormon bishop responds, Yes that is
still one of our beliefs.
- The
Catholic priest then asks, Have you
ever had a cup of coffee?
- Yes,
says the Mormon bishop, I have to
admit-on one occasion I did
succumb
- to
temptation and tried a cup of
coffee.
- The
Catholic priest nods in understanding
and goes on with his
reading.
- A
while later, the Mormon bishop speaks
up and asks, Father, is it still a
requirement
- of
your church that you remain
celibate?
- Yes
it's still one of our vows.
- The
Mormon bishop then asks,
- Father,
have you ever fallen to the temptations
of the flesh?
- The
Catholic priest replied,
- Yes,
Bishop, on one occasion, I was weak and
broke my vow.
- The
Mormon bishop nodded understandingly
for a moment.
- A
few minutes later he smiled, looked at
the Catholic priest and then
said,
- A
lot better than coffee, isn't
it?
- ••••••••••••••••••••••••
- IN-FLIGHT
MEAL
- It
was mealtime during our trip on a small
airline in the Northwest.
- "Would
you like dinner?"
- The
flight attendant asked the man seated
in front of me.
- "What
are my choices?" he asked.
- "Yes
or no," she replied.
- ••••••••••••••••••••••••
- MY
FIRST TIME
- The
sky was dark
- The
moon was high
- All
alone just she and I.
- Her
hair was soft
- Her
eyes were blue
- I
knew just what she wanted to
do.
- Her
skin so soft
- Her
legs so fine
- I
ran my fingers down her
spine.
- I
didn't know how
- But
I tried my best
- I
started by placing my hands on her
breast.
- I
remember my fear my fast beating
heart
- But
slowly she spread her legs
apart
- And
when I did it I felt no
shame.
- All
at once the white stuff
came
- At
last it's finished it's all over
now
- My
first time ever at milking a
cow.....
- ••••••••••••••••••••••••
- REDNECKS
- You're
a redneck if...
- -You
have more fingers than you do
teeth
- -You
cut your grass and find a
car
- -You
consider Denny's a Fancy
Resturant
- -Your
best Suit contains more than 5
colors
- -Your
age is higher than your
I.Q.
- -Your
favorite pickup line is "Does this look
infected to you?"
- -You
ask your wife wheather the spot on your
neck is a boil or a mole
- and
she replies "Its a gummy
bear."
- -You
have a family reunion and everyone in
town shows up.
- -You
say "Watch this" everytime before you
go to the hospital.
- -Your
wife and ex-wife are
sisters.
- ••••••••••••••••••••••••
- RASIN
BREAD
- A
general store owner hires a young
female clerk who likes to
wear
- short
skirts and thong panties.
- One
day a young man enters the store,
glances at the clerk and
glances
- at
the loaves of bread behind the
counter.
- Noticing
the length of her skirt [or general
lack thereof and the
location
- of
the raisin bread], he has a
brilliant idea.
- "I'd
like some raisin bread please", the man
says politely.
- The
female clerk nods and climbs up a
ladder to reach the raisin
bread,
- which
is located on the very top
shelf.
- The
young man standing almost directly
beneath her is provided
with
- an
excellent view, just as he surmised he
would be.
- Once
she descends the ladder he muses that
he really should get two
loaves
- as
he's having company for
dinner.
- As
she retrieves the second loaf of bread,
one of the other male
customers
- notices
what's going on.
- Thinking
quickly, he requests his own loaf of
raisin bread so he can continue
to
- enjoy
the view.
- With
each trip up the ladder the young lady
seems to catch the eye of
another
- male
customer.
- Pretty
soon each male patron is asking for
raisin bread, just to see
her
- climb
up and down.
- After
many trips she's tired, irritated and
thinking that she is really going
to
- have
to try this bread for
herself!!!
- Finally,
once again atop the ladder, she stops
and fumes, glaring at the
men
- standing
below.
- She
notices an elderly man standing amongst
the crowd staring up at
her.
- Thinking
to save herself a trip, she yells at
the elderly man,
- "Is
yours raisin too?"
- "No,"
croaks the old man, "but it's starting
to twitch".
- ••••••••••••••••••••••••
- THE
DOCTOR
- A
92 year-old man went to the doctor to
get a physical.
- A
few days later the doctor saw the man
walking down the street
with
- a
gorgeous young lady on his
arm.
- At
his follow up visit the doctor talked
to the man and said,
- "You're
really doing great, aren't
you?"
- The
man replied, "Just doing what you said
Doctor,
- 'Get
a hot mamma and be
cheerful'."
- The
Doctor said, "I didn't say
that.
- I
said you got a heart murmur. Be
careful.
- ••••••••••••••••••••••••
- THE
COMPUTER BUSINESS
- Actual
dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer
Support employee:
- "Wordperfect
Customer Support; may I help
you?"
- "Yes,
well, I'm having trouble with
WordPerfect."
- "What
sort of trouble?"
- "Well,
I was just typing along, and all of a
sudden the words went
away."
- "Went
away?"
- "They
disappeared."
- "Hmm.
So what does your screen look like
now?"
- "Nothing."
- "Nothing?"
- "It's
blank; it won't accept anything when I
type."
- "Are
you still in WordPerfect, or did you
get out?"
- "How
do I tell?"
- "Can
you see the C:\\ prompt on the
screen?"
- "What's
a sea-prompt?"
- "Never
mind. Can you move the cursor around on
the screen?"
- "There
isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't
accept anything I type."
- "Does
your monitor have a power
indicator?"
- "What's
a monitor?"
- "It's
the thing with the screen on it that
looks like a TV.
- "Does
it have a little light that tells you
when it's on?"
- "I
don't know."
- "Well,
then look on the back of the monitor
and find where the power
cord
- goes
into it. Can you see that?"
- "Yes,
I think so."
- "Great!
Follow the cord to the plug, and tell
me if it's plugged into the
wall."
- "Yes,
it is."
- "When
you were behind the monitor, did you
notice that there were two
cables
- plugged
into the back of it, not just
one?"
- "No."
- "Well,
there are. I need you to look back
there again and find the other
cable."
- "Okay,
here it is."
- "Follow
it for me, and tell me if it's plugged
securely into the back of your
computer."
- "I
can't reach."
- "Uh
huh. Well, can you see if it
is?"
- "No."
- "Even
if you maybe put your knee on something
and lean way over?"
- "Oh,
it's not because I don't have the right
angle-it's because it's
dark."
- "Dark?"
- "Yes-the
office light is off, and the only light
I have is coming in from the
window."
- "Well,
turn on the office light
then."
- "I
can't."
- "No?
Why not?"
- "Because
there's a power outage."
- "A
power... A power outage? Aha! Okay,
we've got it licked now.
- Do
you still have the boxes and manuals
and packing stuff your computer came
in?"
- "Well,
yes, I keep them in the
closet."
- "Good!
Go get them, and unplug your system and
pack it up just like it was
- when
you got it.
- Then
take it back to the store you bought it
from."
- "Really?
Is it that bad?"
- "Yes,
I'm afraid it is."
- "Well,
all right then, I suppose. What do I
tell them?"
- "Tell
them you're too stupid to own a
computer."
- ••••••••••••••••••••••••
- PMS
- A
preacher was telling his congregation
that anything they could think
of,
- old
or new, was discussed somewhere in the
Bible and that the entirety
- of
the human experience could be found
there.
- After
the service, he was approached by a
woman who said,
- "Preacher,
I don't believe the Bible mentions
PMS."
- The
preacher replied that he was sure it
must be there somewhere
- and
that he would look for it.
- The
following week after the service, the
preacher called the woman
aside
- and
showed her a passage which
read,...
- "...And
Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to
Bethlehem."
- ••••••••••••••••••••••••
- THE
RABBIT JOKE
- A
rabbit one day managed to break free
from a laboratory where he had been
born
- and
brought up.
- As
he scurried away from the fencing of
the compound, he felt grass
under
- his
little feet and saw the dawn breaking
for the first time in his
life.
- 'WOW!
This is great,' he thought.
- It
wasn't long before he came to a hedge
and, after squeezing under
it
- he
saw a wonderful sight:
- lots
if other bunny rabbits - all free and
nibbling at the lush green
grass.
- 'Hey,'
he called out. 'I'm a rabbit from the
laboratory over there and
- I've
just escaped.
- Are
you wild rabbits?'
- 'Yes.
Come and join us, ' they all cried
out.
- Our
friend hopped over to them and started
eating the grass.
- It
tasted so good.
- 'What
else do you do wild rabbits do?' he
asked.
- 'Well,'
one of them said, 'you see that field
over there?
- Its
got carrots growing in it. We dig them
up and eat them.'
- This
he couldn't resist and he spent the
next hour gorging on the most
succulent
- carrots
he had ever tasted.
- 'They
are wonderful' he told his new
friends.
- Much
later, he asked them again: 'What else
do you do?'
- 'You
see that field there in the
distance?
- Its
got lettuce growing in it. We eat them
as well'.
- The
lettuce tasted just as good and he
returned some hours later,
- completely
full of lettuce.
- 'Is
there anything else you guys do?' he
asked.
- One
of the other rabbits came close to him
and spoke softly:
- 'There
is one other thing you must
try.'
- Pointing
to a bunch of rabbits in the far corner
of the field,
- he
said 'They're girl rabbits.
- We
screw them. Go and try it.'
- Well,
our friend spent the rest of the
afternoon screwing his little heart
out
- until,
completely exhausted, he staggered back
to his male friends.
- 'That
was fantastic,' he panted.
- 'So
are you going to live with us then?'
one of the asked.
- 'I'm
sorry. I had a great time. Believe me,
but I can't'.
- The
wild rabbits all stared at him in
amazement.
- 'Why?
We thought you liked it
here.'
- 'I
do,' our friend replied. 'But I must
get back to the
laboratory....
- I'm
dying for a cigarette.'
- ••••••••••••••••••••••••
- A
JEWISH MOTHER
- A
young Jewish man excitedly tells his
mother he's fallen in love and
going
- to
get married.
- He
says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to
bring over 3 women and you try and
guess
- which
one I'm going to marry."
- The
mother agrees.
- The
next day, he brings 3 beautiful women
into the house and sits them
down
- on
the couch and they chat for a
while.
- He
then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one
I'm going to marry."
- She
immediately replies, "The red-head in
the middle."
- "That's
amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you
know?"
- "Naturally,
'She's the only one I don't
like'."
- ••••••••••••••••••••••••
- BLONDE
JOKE
- Two
friends, a blonde and a redhead, are
walking down the street.
- They
pass a flower shop where the redhead
happens to see her
boyfriend
- buying
flowers.
- She
sighs and says,
- "Oh,
crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers
again....for no reason."
- The
blonde looks quizzically at her and
says,
- "What's
the big deal, don't you like getting
flowers?"
- The
red head says,
- "Oh
sure.....but he always has expectations
after giving me flowers,
- I
just don't feel like spending the next
three days on my back
- with
my legs in the air."
- The
blonde says "Don't you have a
vase?"
- ••••••••••••••••••••••••
- The
FARMER
- A
salesman knocks on the farmer's door,
and when he gets no answer,
- he
walks around to the back of the
house.
- There's
the farmer with a cow's tail lifted up,
planting a huge wet kiss
- on
the cow's asshole.
- The
salesman says, "Man, are you queer or
what?"
- The
farmer says,
- "No.
I've got chapped lips, and it keeps me
from lickin' em."
- ••••••••••••••••••••••••
- TARZAN
AND JANE
- When
Jane met Tarzan, she was attracted to
him, and during her
questions
- about
his life, she asked him how he had
sex.
- "Tarzan
not know sex," he replied.
- Jane
explained to him what sex
was.
- Tarzan
said, "Oh, sex...
- Tarzan
use hole in trunk of that big
tree."
- "Tarzan
you have it all wrong,...but I will
show you how to do it
properly."
- She
took off her clothes and lay down on
the ground.
- "Here"
she said, "you must put it in
here."
- Tarzan
removed his loincloth, stepped closer,
and then
- gave
her a kick right in the
crotch!
- Jane
rolled around in agony for what seemed
like an eternity.
- Eventually
she managed to gasp for air and
screamed:
- "What
did you do that for?"
- "Tarzan
always check for squirrel."
- ••••••••••••••••••••••••
- TWO
OLD LADIES
- Two
old ladies were outside their nursing
home, having a smoke,
- when
it started to rain.
- One
of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut
off the end,
- put
it over her cigarette, and continued
smoking.
- Lady
1: What's that?
- Lady
2: A condom. This way my cigarette
doesn't get wet.
- Lady
1: Where did you get it?
- Lady
2: You can get them at any
drugstore.
- The
next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into
the local drugstore and
announces
- to
the pharmacist that she wants a box of
condoms.
- The
guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at
her kind of strangely she is, after
all,
- over
80 years of age, but very delicately
asks what brand she
prefers.
- Lady
1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it
fits a Camel.
- ••••••••••••••••••••••••
- SUCCESS
IS
- At
age 4 success is not peeing in your
pants.
- At
age 12 success is having
friends.
- At
age 16 success is having a drivers
license.
- At
age 20 success is having
sex.
- At
age 35 success is having
money.
- At
age 50 success is having
money.
- At
age 60 success is having
sex.
- At
age 70 success is having a drivers
license.
- At
age 75 success is having
friends.
- At
age 80 success is not peeing in your
pants.
- ••••••••••••••••••••••••
- THE
TEXAN
- A
Texan buys a round of drinks for all in
the bar, because,
- he
announces, his wife has just produced
"a typical Texas" baby boy
- weighing
25 pounds.
- Congratulations
showered him from all around, as well
as many exclamations
- of
a "WOW!" from the crowd.
- Two
women faint due to sympathy pains from
just imagining the size
- of
such an infant.
- Two
weeks later, he returns to the
bar.
- The
bartender says,
- "Say,
you're the father of the typical Texas
baby that weighed 25 pounds
- at
birth, how much does he weigh
now?"
- .
The proud father answers, "Seventeen
pounds."
- Puzzled,
the bartender says,
- "Geez,
what happened? He already weighed 25
pounds at birth."
- The
Texas father takes a slow swig from his
long-neck Lone Star beer,
- wipes
his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans
into the bartender and proudly
says,
- "Had
him circumcised."
- ••••••••••••••••••••••••
- THE
NEVER ENDING STRUGGLE
- And
God Created Man and Woman.
- And
then God populated the earth with
broccoli and cauliflower and
spinach,
- green
and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so
Man and Woman would live
- long
and healthy lives.
- And
Satan created McDonald's.
- And
McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent
double-cheeseburger.
- And
Satan said to Man, "You want fries with
that?"
- And
Man said, "Super size them." And Man
gained many pounds.
- And
God created the healthful yogurt, that
woman might keep her figure
- that
man found so fair.
- And
Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought
forth chocolate, nuts and
- brightly
colored sprinkle candy to put on the
yogurt.
- And
woman gained many pounds.
- And
God said, "Try my crispy fresh
salad."
- And
Satan brought forth creamy dressings,
bacon bits, and shredded
cheese.
- And
there was ice cream for
dessert.
- And
woman gained more pounds.
- And
God said, "I have sent you heart
healthy vegetables
- and
olive oil with which to cook
them."
- And
Satan brought forth huge portions of
chicken-fried steak.
- And
Man gained more pounds,
- and
his bad cholesterol went through the
roof.
- And
God brought forth running
shoes,
- and
Man resolved to lose those extra
pounds.
- And
Satan brought forth cable TV with
remote control
- so
Man would not have to toil to change
channels.
- And
Man gained even more
pounds.
- And
God brought forth the potato, a
vegetable naturally low in
fat
- and
brimming with nutrition.
- And
Satan peeled off the healthful skin and
sliced the starchy center
- into
fries and chips and deep-fat fried
them.
- And
he also created sour cream
dip.
- And
Man clutched his remote control and ate
the potato chips and fries
- loaded
with fat and cholesterol.
- And
Satan saw and said, "It is
good."
- And
Man went into cardiac
arrest.
- And
God sighed and created quadruple bypass
surgery.....
- And
Satan laughed and created
HMOs..
- ••••••••••••••••••••••••
- THE
VEGAS HOOKER
- A
guy is walking along the strip in Las
Vegas and he see's a knockout looking
hooker.
- He
strikes up a conversation and
eventually asks the hooker,
- "How
much do you charge?"
- Hooker
replies, "It starts at $500 for a
hand-job."
- Guy
says, "$500 dollars! For a
hand-job!
- No
hand-job is worth that kind of
money!"
- The
hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's
on the corner?"
- "Yes."
- "Do
you see the Denny's about a block
further down?"
- "Yes."
- "And
beyond that, do you see that third
Denny's?"
- "Yes."
- "Well,"
says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I
own those.
- And,
I own them because I give a hand-job
that's worth $500."
- The
guy says, "What the hell? You only live
once. I'll give it a try."
- They
retire to a nearby motel.
- A
short time later, the guy is sitting on
the bed realizing that he just
experienced
- the
hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit
of $500.
- He
is so amazed, he says, "I suppose head
is $1,000?" The hooker replies,
"$1,500."
- "$1,500?
My God! No head could be worth
that.
- The
hooker replies, "Step over here to the
window, big boy.
- Do
you see that casino just across the
street? I own that casino
outright.
- And
I own it because I give head that's
worth every cent of
$1,500."
- The
guy, basking in the afterglow of that
terrific hand-job,
- decides
to put off the new car for another year
or so, and says, "Sign me
up."
- Ten
minutes later, he is sitting on the bed
more amazed than before.
- He
can scarcely believe it but he feels he
truly got his money's
worth.
- He
decides to dip into the retirement
savings for one glorious and
unforgettable experience.
- He
asks the hooker, "How much for some
sex?"
- The
hooker says, "Come over here to the
window, I want to show you
something.
- Do
you see how the whole city of Las Vegas
is laid out before us,
- all
those beautiful lights, gambling
palaces, and showplaces?"
- "Damn!"
the guy says, in awe, "You own the
whole city?"
- "No,"
the hooker replies, "but I would if I
had a vagina."
- ••••••••••••••••••••••••
- THE
ELDERLY COUPLE
- An
elderly couple had been dating for some
time and decided it was
finally
- time
to marry.
- Before
the wedding, they had a long
conversation regarding how their
marriage
- might
work.
- They
discussed finances, living arrangements
and so on.
- Finally
the old man decided it was time to
broach the subject of their
- physical
relationship.
- "How
do you feel about sex?" he asked,
rather hopefully.
- "Well,
I'd have to say I like it
infrequently," she
responded.
- The
old guy paused... then he
asked,
- "Was
that one word or two?"
- ••••••••••••••••••••••••
- THE
OPTICIAN
- A
guy goes to the opticians.
- The
Doctor tells him, 'You've got to stop
masturbating!'
- 'Why
Doc,' he asked, 'am I going
blind?'
- 'No,'
the Doctor explained,
- 'but
you're upsetting the other patients in
the waiting room!'
- ••••••••••••••••••••••••
- THREE
WOMEN
- Three
women are sitting naked in the
sauna.
- Suddenly
there is a beeping sound.
- The
first lady presses her forearm and the
beeping stops.
- The
others look at her curiously. "That's
my pager," she says,
- "I
have a microchip under the skin of my
arm."
- A
few minutes later a phone
rings.
- The
second woman lifts her palm to her
ear.
- When
she finishes she explains,
- "That's
my mobile phone.. I have a microchip in
my hand."
- The
third woman, feeling decidedly
low-tech, steps out of the
sauna.
- In
a few minutes she returns with a piece
of toilet paper hanging from her
butt.
- The
others raise their
eyebrows.
- "Oh
excuse me she says, I'm getting a
fax."
- ••••••••••••••••••••••••
- CLOSING
TIME
- Sam
was drinking all night at the
pub.
- The
bartender finally tells him its closing
time, so Sam stands up to go
and
- falls
flat on his face.
- He
tries to stand up again but with the
same result.
- So
he thinks to himself that he'll crawl
outside and get some fresh
air
- and
maybe that will sober him up a
bit.
- Once
outside, he stands up and again falls
flat on his face.
- So
he thinks, 'It's Very Late' and starts
crawling home.
- When
he gets to his front door he tries once
again to stand up,
- manages
to open the door but promptly falls
straight back down on the
floor.
- He
crawls in and quietly crawls up the
stairs where he manages to pull himself
upright
- by
his bed.
- He
crawls in and falls asleep as soon as
his head hits the pillow.
- He
wakes up the next morning with his wife
standing above him shouting at
him.
- 'So,
you've been out getting drunk again,
have you?'
- Thinking
he hadn't disturbed her coming in the
previous night,
- he
puts on an innocent face and
says
- 'What
makes you say that, love?'
- 'Because
the pub called.
- You've
left your wheelchair there
again!'
- PRIEST'S
PARTYING
- Father
Joseph went up to Father Fred one
afternoon and said,
- "I
am sick of all this clean
living.
- Tonight
let's you and me go out and
party.
- We'll
carouse, drink, whatever we
want."
- Fred
was shocked.
- "Are
you crazy? This is a small town and
everyone knows us.
- Besides,
even if they didn't, they would see our
clothes and know
- we
were priests."
- Joe
said "Don't be silly. We won't stay in
town, we'll go into the
city
- where
nobody knows us, and we'll dress just
like anyone else."
- In
the end, he managed to persuade Fred,
and they went out that
night
- and
partied like professionals.
- When
they got back home at 5:00 AM, Fred's
face became pale.
- "I
just thought of something," he said.
"We have to confess this."
- Again,
Joe was ready. "Relax, I told you, I
thought this all out in
advance.
- Tomorrow,
you go into church and into the
confessional.
- I
will come in my regular clothes and
confess, and you absolve
me.
- Then
I go put on my garments, you come in
and confess, and I'll absolve
you."
- Fred
was amazed at Joe's
brilliance.
- And
so, Joseph went in later that morning
and said, "Father forgive me, for
I
- have
sinned. My friend and I, we're both
young men, and last night we went
out
- and
caroused. We became drunk, had carnal
knowledge of prostitutes,
- used
foul language, danced to wicked
music."
- Fred
answered, "God is patient and
forgiving, and thus shall I
be.
- Do
5 'Our Father's' and 5 'Hail Mary's'
and you will be absolved of your
sin."
- A
while later, their places were reversed
as Fred came in and confessed
everything
- in
detail.
- There
was a short pause, and Joseph
answered,
- "I
don't believe this. And you DARE to
call yourself a priest?
- You
will do 500 "Our Father's," 500 "Hail
Mary's,"
- donate
all your money for the next month to
the church,
- and
go around the church 500 times on your
knees praying for God's
forgiveness.
- Then
come back and we'll discuss absolution,
but I make no guarantees."
- "WHAT?!"
Father Fred was shocked. "What about
our agreement??"
- Joe
replied, "Hey, what I do on my time off
is one thing, but I take my job
seriously."
- ••••••••••••••••••••••••
- DOGGY
STYLE
- Two
old men were sitting in a bar,
discussing their wives.
- The
first said, "Last night, I asked Myrna
if we could try sex in a different
position.
- I
wanted to try doing it doggy
style."
- "Doggy
style? Did she go for it?"
- "I'll
say. I sat up and begged while she
rolled over and played
dead."
- ••••••••••••••••••••••••
- NEW
Added on 7/7/2002
- BLACK
BOXES
- The
National Transportation Safety Board
recently divulged that they
had
- for
the past five years covertly funded a
project with US auto makers
whereby
- the
auto makers installed black boxes in
four wheel drive pickup trucks in an
effort
- to
determine, in fatal accidents, the
circumstances in the last 15 seconds
before the crash.
- They
were surprised to find in 42 of the 50
states that the last words of
drivers
- in
61.2 percent of fatal crashes were,
"Oh, Shit!"
- Only
the states of West Virginia, Georgia,
Mississippi, Louisiana,
Alabama,
- Texas,
Oklahoma and Tennessee were
different;
- Over
92.3 percent of their final words
were:
- "Hold
my beer and watch this."
- ••••••••••••••••••••••••
- NEW
Added on 7/6/2002
- THE
WHALE
- A
little girl was talking to her teacher
about whales.
- The
teacher said it was physically
impossible for a whale to swallow a
human
- because
even though a whale is a very large
mammal, its throat is very
small.
- The
little girl stated that a whale
swallowed Jonah.
- The
teacher reiterated that a whale could
not swallow a human, it was
impossible.
- The
little girl said, "When I get to heaven
I will ask Jonah".
- The
teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to
hell?"
- The
little girl replied, "Then you ask
him!"
- ••••••••••••••••••••••••
- NEW
Added on 7/5/2002
- CAR
WRECK
- A
gay man was driving his sports car
around the corner, when an
eighteen-wheeler
- pulled
out of the alley and directly in front
of his way.
- The
sports car plows into the truck and
totally demolishes the front end of the
sports car.
- The
gay man jumps out of the car, comes
tearing around the side of the
truck
- where
the truck driver is, and
hollers,
- "You
did that on purpose! You just pulled
right out in front of me!"
- The
truck driver says, "Suck my
dick."
- Waving
his hands, "Don't try to sweet talk me
out of it!!!
- I'm
really PISSED!"
- ••••••••••••••••••••••••
- "Honey,"
said this husband to his wife, "I
invited a friend home for
supper."
- "What?
Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I
haven't been shopping,
- all
the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel
like cooking a fancy meal!"
- "I
know all that."
- "Then
why did you invite a friend for
supper?"
- "Because
the poor fool's thinking about getting
married."
- ••••••••••••••••••••••••
- THE
GENIE
- A
huge muscular man walks into a bar and
orders a beer.
- The
bartender can't help but stare at the
guy because in contrast to his
large
- muscles,
the man has a head that is the size of
an orange.
- The
bartender hands him the beer and
says,
- 'You
know, I'm not gay but I want to
compliment you on your
physique,
- it's
really phenomenal!
- But
I have a question why is your head so
small?'
- The
big guy nods slowly.
- He's
obviously fielded this question many
times.
- 'One
day', he begins, 'I was hunting and got
lost in the woods.
- I
heard someone crying for
help.
- I
followed the cries and they led me to a
frog that was sitting next to a
stream.'
- 'Really?'
says the bartender, thoroughly
intrigued.
- 'Kiss
me, kiss me and I will turn into a
genie and grant you 3
wishes.'
- I
looked around to see if I was alone and
gave the frog a kiss.
- POOF!
The frog turned into a beautiful
voluptuous naked woman
- She
said, 'You now have 3 wishes.'
,
- I
looked around at my scrawny 115 pound
body and said,
- ' I
want a body like Arnold
Schwarzenegger.!'
- She
nodded and snapped her fingers, and
POOF there I was so big
that
- I
ripped out of my clothes and was
standing there naked!,
- she
then asked 'What is your second
wish?'
- 'I
looked hungrily at her beautiful body
and replied,
- ' I
want to make sensuous love with you by
the stream'
- She
nodded, laid down and beckoned
me.
- We
made love right there by the stream for
hours!!
- Afterwards,
as we lay next to each other, she
whispered in my ear,'
- You
know you have one more wish, what will
it be?'
- I
looked at her and replied
- 'How
about a little head?'
- ••••••••••••••••••••••••
- Satisfaction
- Tired
of a listless sex life, the man came
right out and asked
- his
wife during a recent lovemaking
session,
- "How
come you never tell me when you are
fully satisfied?"
- She
glanced at him casually and
replied,
- "You're
never home!"
- LAWYER
JOKE
- Q.
What does a lawyer and an apple have in
common?
- A.
They both look nice hanging from a
tree.
- ••••••••••••••••••••••••
-
- All
rights reserved.®
TVInews©2002
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